What is Your Communication Style?

Are you a direct or indirect communicator? According to Dr. Pat Heim in her video Conflict: The Rules of Engagement, direct communicators say what they mean and mean what they say. For example, “I don’t like that. Do it this way. Put that over there.” Whereas indirect communicators tend to hint and ask questions such as “Are you hungry?” (which means “I’m hungry,”) or “What do you think about…?” (meaning “I have an opinion about that,”) or “What if we tried…?” (which means “I think we should do it this way.”)

In addition, direct people ask the question “Why?” to get information and understand. For example, “Why did you do that? Why do you think that way? Why did you say that?” However, for indirect people, the question “Why?” signals a problem. They may feel like they are being interrogated, and it can make them very defensive. These differences can cause unintended and unnecessary conflict. When people become triggered, they stop listening to what you are saying and move into fight or flight mode. It becomes very difficult to communicate effectively with someone who is defending against what you are saying.

So, what can you do? First, start to notice your communication style and the style of others you interact with. Next, try flexing to their style to get your message across. If you are indirect, try being a little more direct with direct communicators by requesting what you want or stating your ideas and opinions. For example, “Why do you want to do it that way? I think we should do it this way because… Please do it this way.” If you are direct, try being a little less direct with indirect communicators by asking more questions such as, “Have you thought about…? Could we try…?” Also, avoid asking, “Why?” when you are dealing with indirect people. Instead, use the phrase “Help me understand…”

By avoiding words and phrases that may trigger someone with a different communication style from yours, you increase the likelihood that you will be heard and convey your message effectively and decrease the potential for unnecessary conflict.

“If you just communicate, you can get by. But if you communicate skillfully, you can work miracles.” – Jim Rohn

“Good communication is the bridge between confusion and clarity.” – Nat Turner

“To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.” – Tony Robbins